This blog will stop at the 205th post.

Moved to Http://istolethemoonlastnight.tumblr.com

Bye blogger.

Do you know how it feels to be stuck somewhere? Ahead of you is a route that you don't want to walk at all but you aren't given any "choice". You want to end things so you have to take this "choice". You know how much I dread this path? So much so that I rather be stuck here rather than to walk on.

I finally got a taste of a real breakdown. It can't be explained in words. No words can describe how I'm feeling now.

To me, it's just a torture.

Happiness? Don't kid me.

Omggggg. Goddddd, can you please please save me? I've asked fairy godmother, fairy godfather, tooth fairy, the deities, the ghosts, the ants, the caterpillars and anything you can think of but none is willing to help me :(

Or is it because you can't wait to see me in the mental hospital? :((( or maybe the least someone can help me is to book a nice room in imh for me?

Okay maybe I should start writing a goodbye letter to my parents. I've been such an unfillial child. :((((

Oh welllllll, seems like god is still adamant in helping me. What else can I do? Bang the wall? Cry myself blind? Jump into the sea to feed the crocodiles?

Oh goddddddd. Save me!

To Maine:)

Thank you Maine, i can say with no hesitation that you're irreplaceable in my heart:)

Without you, I don't know how my life will be. I don't know who I'll show my feelings to and I don't know who will bitch with me:)

I know this is random but I really thank god that I've you and it doesn't matter how long we can continue this way.

Whatever it is, I just want to say I love you, bitch:)

So terrible. So so terrible.

Dear diary,

I'm feeling so so terrible; almost to the brink of breaking down. I'm breaking down. I'm afraid. I can no longer feel myself. I can no longer feel my emotions. I can no longer feel myself. No difference from a walking corpse.

This two weeks is gonna be real real tough for me. All I can do is to accept. I'm suffocating. The feeling of killing me halfway really sucks. I'm so so tired. But what can I do?

Nobody can save me. Nobody.

because boy, you didn't realise that every little thing you ask from me is killing me.

When god hit you with a stone and you don't reciprocate, god hits you with a brick; and when you still don't reciprocate, god hits you with a boulder.

And this time, god hit me with a boulder. It's really time to wake the damn idea up because humans are born into this world alone and will leave this world alone. Forcing them to stick to another will only kill them.

My life has never been as miserable as the past few days as I screamed the meanest things and flared like I never did before. I have never felt so desperate. So so desperate to leave. So so desperate to get out of this, get out of everything. So suffocated that all you're allowed to do is barely breathe. Being forced into inhumanity whereby nothing mattered. It didn't matter what you're saying throws a thousand knives straight to someone else's heart. It didn't matter what you're saying hurts him so much that he'll never forget in this lifetime.

This just shows what human beings are capable of when they are being forced to a dead end.

The past entire week has been so torturous and taxing that I can barely feel myself. All I know is that I'm still breathing. All these things will be kept in my brain as much as I wish to forget. But it also serves as a reminder to me. A reminder to never fall into it anymore. To truly wake that damn idea up and not fall into it anymore.

Because,

Love is bullshit. It's crap. Human beings are just in love with the idea of being in love and nothing else. Why do people get married? Companionship. They don't want to age alone. They don't want to have no support when they're old. They're afraid of being as cranky as those old unmarried people whom they see. And in return for the companionship and support, people sacrifice things. Some sacrifice their dreams, some sacrifice their freedom and some sacrifice themselves for when they compromise, they are no longer themselves. It's a someone else whom they become to stay in harmony with the other party. And it's a lifetime sacrifice because a marriage don't stop at 10 or even 100 quarrels. Its a vicious cycle. Human beings just want companions. Full stop.

For now, I just want to end things, stop my pace and think about my life. For I'm no longer a student. I cannot just let time pass.

I need to be alone.