This blog will stop at the 205th post.

Moved to Http://istolethemoonlastnight.tumblr.com

Bye blogger.

Do you know how it feels to be stuck somewhere? Ahead of you is a route that you don't want to walk at all but you aren't given any "choice". You want to end things so you have to take this "choice". You know how much I dread this path? So much so that I rather be stuck here rather than to walk on.

I finally got a taste of a real breakdown. It can't be explained in words. No words can describe how I'm feeling now.

To me, it's just a torture.

Happiness? Don't kid me.

Omggggg. Goddddd, can you please please save me? I've asked fairy godmother, fairy godfather, tooth fairy, the deities, the ghosts, the ants, the caterpillars and anything you can think of but none is willing to help me :(

Or is it because you can't wait to see me in the mental hospital? :((( or maybe the least someone can help me is to book a nice room in imh for me?

Okay maybe I should start writing a goodbye letter to my parents. I've been such an unfillial child. :((((

Oh welllllll, seems like god is still adamant in helping me. What else can I do? Bang the wall? Cry myself blind? Jump into the sea to feed the crocodiles?

Oh goddddddd. Save me!

To Maine:)

Thank you Maine, i can say with no hesitation that you're irreplaceable in my heart:)

Without you, I don't know how my life will be. I don't know who I'll show my feelings to and I don't know who will bitch with me:)

I know this is random but I really thank god that I've you and it doesn't matter how long we can continue this way.

Whatever it is, I just want to say I love you, bitch:)

So terrible. So so terrible.

Dear diary,

I'm feeling so so terrible; almost to the brink of breaking down. I'm breaking down. I'm afraid. I can no longer feel myself. I can no longer feel my emotions. I can no longer feel myself. No difference from a walking corpse.

This two weeks is gonna be real real tough for me. All I can do is to accept. I'm suffocating. The feeling of killing me halfway really sucks. I'm so so tired. But what can I do?

Nobody can save me. Nobody.

because boy, you didn't realise that every little thing you ask from me is killing me.

When god hit you with a stone and you don't reciprocate, god hits you with a brick; and when you still don't reciprocate, god hits you with a boulder.

And this time, god hit me with a boulder. It's really time to wake the damn idea up because humans are born into this world alone and will leave this world alone. Forcing them to stick to another will only kill them.

My life has never been as miserable as the past few days as I screamed the meanest things and flared like I never did before. I have never felt so desperate. So so desperate to leave. So so desperate to get out of this, get out of everything. So suffocated that all you're allowed to do is barely breathe. Being forced into inhumanity whereby nothing mattered. It didn't matter what you're saying throws a thousand knives straight to someone else's heart. It didn't matter what you're saying hurts him so much that he'll never forget in this lifetime.

This just shows what human beings are capable of when they are being forced to a dead end.

The past entire week has been so torturous and taxing that I can barely feel myself. All I know is that I'm still breathing. All these things will be kept in my brain as much as I wish to forget. But it also serves as a reminder to me. A reminder to never fall into it anymore. To truly wake that damn idea up and not fall into it anymore.

Because,

Love is bullshit. It's crap. Human beings are just in love with the idea of being in love and nothing else. Why do people get married? Companionship. They don't want to age alone. They don't want to have no support when they're old. They're afraid of being as cranky as those old unmarried people whom they see. And in return for the companionship and support, people sacrifice things. Some sacrifice their dreams, some sacrifice their freedom and some sacrifice themselves for when they compromise, they are no longer themselves. It's a someone else whom they become to stay in harmony with the other party. And it's a lifetime sacrifice because a marriage don't stop at 10 or even 100 quarrels. Its a vicious cycle. Human beings just want companions. Full stop.

For now, I just want to end things, stop my pace and think about my life. For I'm no longer a student. I cannot just let time pass.

I need to be alone.

Life.

Haven't been blogging for quite awhile now. About half of 2010 has passed and looking back to my 2010 resolution, what have I done? Seems like none.

But there are a few that I must at least start/achieve before the start of 2011.

1) Learn Spanish

2) More locking and rest of the dance styles

3) 4kg

It's only this 3 and I WILL hope that I'll be able to do it.

Life is becoming more and more like a routine and I'm struggling to find something to look forward to. As my brain talks to my heart for some therapy, I'm also struggling to stay positive. Now why is it so hard to stay positive? Yes, the good will prevail but it's such a depressing process as your heart switches between positivity and negativity. I need constant sources of i nspiration and the current one is this:说好话，做好事，存好心.

Inspirating isn't it? Say the right things, do the right things, store goodwill. What's life without these?

On the other note, I found a really good way to force tasteless water down my throat. Throw in a handful of berries and tadah, it becomes tasteless water with a tinge of blueberry making it drinkable. As magical as sensodyne (:

Thats all. Haven't slept since the Argentina and Mexico match. Will be looking forward to Spain's.

Till then.

History.

I'm trying hard, trying real hard to not let history repeat itself. It's hard. It ain't easy.

The sky's crying.

Hush hush.

point of balance.

I'm starting to lose that point of balance. It ain't anybody's fault. It's just the inner devil in me merrily sabotaging everything. I need to find back that point of balance, before everything crashes.

All I need is inspiration.

Mr candida, I'm coming for you!

"True love is something that will never grow in a jealous heart." This quote made my day as my brain struggles to recollect the outstanding matters from my never ending list of complains.

Work has only started for a week and I'm already worn out. Lousy or what? But it certainly isn't easy to maintain 4 libraries at a go when all you have in your brain is pieces of information from school. But I ain't giving up. I must prove my determination and perseverance. Entering the work force always changes a person and I must not be changed negatively. The hardest thing to do in life is to, remain unchanged.

Apart from work, life has been normal. The only difference is that Mr. Candida is rapidly growing in me and my weight has been constantly going up. In short, Candida is a yeast which is in all earthlings. Candida is one of the indirect cause to weight gain and I'm so going to kill the Candidas in me!

Thats about all of the soul-ess life that I've been living ever since I sold it. However, I'm glad that the gaypurpledino's in my life now (:

Till then, bye earthlings!